Make your own free website on Tripod.com

Ted's Random Thought File

Welcome to Ted's Random Thought File.  To have this site randomly incapacitate a wombat because you just don't like Australia, press 1 now.  Otherwise, enjoy, and turn away quickly if you experience dizziness or a piercing sensation in your eyes.

December 27th, 2005

  • The letter “Q” is the saddest son-of-a-bitch in the alphabet. Has “Q” ever asked for anything? Of course not, it sure isn’t in a good bargaining position. For one, it looks queer. No other letter in the alphabet could have more self-image issues. Big “O” with a dingleberry hanging off or a little backwards “p” with a faggy tail off the bottom.

    Second, it’s rarely used, and only if it brings its hot friend “U” with it. I try to use the word “qat” as much as possible, give the “Q” some free time, ya know? I think we should remove the “Q” and “U” rule, that’s trippin’.
  • Man, I got depressed in Europe one time. Don't ever get depressed in Europe. My buddy’s like, “Damn, you’re down, aren’t you?” and some French Pierre comes over to teach me the finer points of the English language, “Not “Eur-down, Eur-ope!”
  • Quotable:

    "My James, you are a cunning linguist."--Moneypenny in James Bond

December 26th, 2005

Back to work...

  • Cats are really fucking ambitious.  Dogs walk into the room and man, they go to the first person that calls them.  Cats are like, who in this room wants to be with me the least?  I will go to them and make myself wanted.  Come to think of it, women are that way, too.

  • I think the Islam faith answered a long-burning question about the Virgin Islands when it revealed each guy gets 72 virgins after death.  I think it answered a big question about why women come to KU as well.

  • Quotable:

"I don't have a microwave, but I have a clock that occasionally cooks shit."--Mitch Hedberg

December 25th, 2005

Today is a day I shouldn't need to make you smile.  If that isn't the case, please don't call me, I don't like talking to people who are that depressed.

December 24th, 2005

  • I know there are better things to petition for, but I’d really like to have some italics at my disposal on facebook.  It’s a word—no wait, it’s slanted…that is one cocky fucking word…or maybe it just wants to be closer to the other words, trying to reach them and got all stretched out, shit, poor thing…no I got it now, fucker got hit by something at an angle…or wait, damn, is that word chinese?

  • I see they started naming banks after letters—there was an EFS bank off Randall Road.  I’m just waiting, they’re going to have a bank named after "T" soon."

  • Jesus Christ" has to be the most versatile phrase in history

“Jesus Christ, he made the shot!”—disbelief, shock

“Jesus Christ, it’s going to kill us…”—fear, terror

“Jesus Christ, that’s hilarious.”—humor

“Ohh Jeeeesus Chriiiist!”—sex

“Jesus Christ, this’ll never work!”—frustration

“Jesus Chris, you fucking dolt!”—anger

“Jesus Christ, I never thought I’d see you here!”—happiness

“Jesus Christ, I never thought I’d see you alive again!”—relief

“Jesus Christ, what have I done?”—regret, remorse

  • Quotable:

"I was a paper boy as a kid, I had to deliver newspapers to two thousand houses or two dumpsters."--Mitch Hedberg

December 23rd, 2005

  • I go to the gas station like pretty much everyone else.  Have you noticed that little “9” after the first three digits in the gas price?  You aren’t paying $2.53, you’re paying 2.53…point nine!  That gets me thinking.  First off, I feel take advantage of.  Gas stations have been weaseling a WHOLE LOT OF POINT NINES from me. 

Then, I wonder, how do gas stations round?  Shit, I bet six gallons at $2.539 a pop costs $15.24 instead of $15.23.  Now they’re stealing another point six from me, sometimes more!  Last time I checked, $15.234 rounds down! 

 

10 years from now, I’m going to be missing a shitload of point nines and point sixes and point everything elses.  I’m going to be $150 short on my rent, I’ll be evicted, and I’ll have all my possessions repossessed.  My girlfriend will dump me for a rich guy who could afford donating to gas stations, and my job…well I won’t have a job, but if I did, I’d get fired.  All because gas stations stole my point nines and point sixes.

  • Breakstone’s Sour Cream uses the slogan “So Thick.  So Rich.”  Its ad campaigns will feature Anna Nicole Smith, Renee Zellweger, and Kirsty Alley wrestling in the cheese.

  • Quotable:

"Dark Helmet: There is something you should know. I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
Lone Star: So what does that make us?
Dark Helmet: Nothing! Which is what you are about to become."--Spaceballs

December 22nd, 2005

  • Every state I drive into has this happy sign that says the people welcome me.  I’ve been sorely disappointed to find some places actually did not welcome me.  I would prefer they be honest—I’m looking at you Massachusetts—and say “Please Drive Around Our State, Trespassers Will be Shot.”

  • The Atkins dieter’s compliment: “This is the best thing since sliced cheese...”

  • I’ve never been to Mars, but I imagine the food there is tasty.

  • Quotable:

Speech teacher: Five points extra credit to anyone who puts this glue in their hair.

Student: Can I have ten if I eat it?

December 21st, 2005

  • I’m a giver, but I feel like I throw broken boomerangs.

  • I find it a bit presumptuous that we call our country’s baseball championship the “World Series” when our team not only couldn’t win in the Olympics—it didn’t even qualify.

  • So many parts of the body have to share clothing—the shirt covers the wrists, elbows, upper arms, chest, shoulders, etc.—that I begin to wonder whether it is a human adaptation to anatomical self-esteem to get hurt.  Skid your elbow and now that elbow gets to be dressed in its own white gauze for a week or so.  You really think it was an “accident” that you fell down the stairs?  I think not.

  • Quotable:

"Fry:  I just made out with that radiator woman from the radiator planet.

Leela: Fry, there is no radiator planet. That's just an ordinary radiator."--Futurama

December 20th, 2005

  • I am not hostile, but I do not like being bullied, either.  Yesterday, a woman at the store said, “You’ll have to excuse me,” and I shot back “Fine, you want a kidney with that?”

  • I learned Latin before going to Latin America, and damn was I thrown for a loop.

  • Illinois is a breeding ground for dangerous drivers.  It sets the highway speed limit at 55 mph.  Everyone drives at least 60, and most drive at least 70.  Now, when those same drivers enter a state with a highway speed limit of 70, they feel it is acceptable to drive 15 mph over that speed limit, too.  When an officer pulled me over for going 85 in Missouri, he looked genuinely appalled.  "Do you know how FAST you were goin'?!"  I plainly looked at him and said, "85, why, what's the problem?"

  • The penis can only nod “yes.”  When a woman struts, she shakes her hips “no.”  I find this to be a major reproductive quandary but a solid means of population control.

  • Quotable:

"I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down."--Mitch Hedberg

 

December 19th, 2005

  • I watched a fly buzz around a room a few times, stop to eat a bread crumb, buzz around a few more times, and then crash into a window.  I still don’t see the entertainment value in NASCAR.
  • I’ve found 411 to be pretty useful in pranks.  One time, I set a friend’s phone on redial to 411 for two weeks.  I never saw that guy again—something about deportation, I think.
  • I bought a scale once, but I think it was poorly made.  It kept saying 888.8.  Shit, it would predict that weight before I got on the scale.
  • Quotable:

"Sean Connery: I've got to ask you about the Penis Mightier.
Alex Trebek: What? No, no, no, that is The Pen is Mightier."--SNL Celebrity Jeopardy

 

December 18th, 2005

  • When my cat died, my mom said he went to a better place.  Well that’s fucking great, anyone care that this is now a worse fucking place?  And what are you implying about my place anyway?  You think he's getting KFC up there?  I didn't think so.

  • I’ve found the names of sport teams to be unrealistic and confusing.  The “red” “socks” against the “tigers.”  Now c’mon, how the fuck is a pair of socks going to beat an animal that plugs Frosted Flakes?  Shit, I have no idea how the Tigers have done so poorly.  I advocate renaming teams each year based on how good they are.  For instance, the Royals would be renamed the “Peasants” for the next ten years.

  • What is it about college that makes guys walk around with a completely dazed look on their faces?  I realize college can be a time for experimenting, but if guys are holding Botox parties, well that just makes me wonder where society is headed.

  • Quotable:

Peter: Ah crap, since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"?
Brian: I think they had a meeting about it last night.
Peter: Why wasn't I told?
Brian: They sent you a card but it said "for" Peter on it, so you must have thought it was "from" you so you didn't uh.... you know its just easier to call you stupid.--Family Guy

 

 

December 17th, 2005

  • I am jealous of people named Jordan.  How cool to have a country named after you.  I probably wouldn’t name my son Jordan, but I think Gerjapinastates would set him for life.  And he’d have a sister named Britanceland.  Wouldn’t you like to know where that “land” came from…

  • I think Oprah is an undercover operative for the U.S. government.  Her next book: The Weightloss Solution: Enlistment.

  • You know, these global warming enthusiasts—bright fucks, really—think that mankind can bribe Mother Nature into “chilling out” a little.  It’s our little “let’s settle this under the table with CO2 emission reductions” deal.  Mother Nature is hardly the extortionist floozy who will drop charges for a buyout—she’s the landlord who’s bringing no charges and just making your life hell because that’s who she fucking is.

  • Quotable:

"My Homer is not a communist.  He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star."--Grandpa on The Simpsons

 

December 16th, 2005

  • I think putting the word “new” in front of a state or country’s name is really inconsiderate.  You conquer or settle some place and name it New something.  What the hell are the people who conquer you supposed to name it?
  • And speaking of places with "new" in them, was there ever just a "Zealand" or did those people just jump the curve?

  • Firstlovitis is like chicken pox: you can only get it once and damn if it can't leave some lifelong scars if you indulge in it too much.

  • “Kum and Go” gas stations make me wonder.  I can just imagine this guy: Come and Go?  No!  Cum and Go?  No!  Kum and Go?  Well fuck, eureka!  [If you want to appear insane, try saying this one aloud to someone.]

  • Quotable:

"NyQuil, it's the thirteenth fucking step for all you AA people."--Denis Leary

December 15th, 2005

  • The U.S. plans to rename the “West Bank” to the “East Bank” in lieu of the fact that the bank is east of the U.S.

  • I don’t see how a zookeeper watching pandas mate and a human watching humans mate get different classifications.

  • My mother raised chickens on our “farm.”  We didn’t eat any.  Not even the eggs.  But damn if we didn’t provide one hell of a menu for the coyotes and raccoons in the neighborhood.

  • Quotable:

“So what if I practice involuntary abstinence?”—the teenage mayor on SNL Weekend Update

 

December 14th, 2005

  • On the barscene...“Well, it’s been nice talking to you, but I have to leave.  If I need any more ice for my drink, I’ll be back to chip some off your heart.”

  • If I were a giraffe, I'd be a private eye or a wiseguy.  Nothing could go down in the jungle without me knowing.

  • The new terrorist plot is totally cost- and life-effective.  They have us torture one another in airport security, and we sometimes even kill manic depressive, bipolar passengers.  Ugh.

  • Has anyone ever advocated drunk driving?  There must have been 3-4 speeches in my class about drunk driving.  As if anyone could or would rebutt that speech.  Like someone would say, "Whoa man, I can't believe he just dissed drunk driving, that is so not cool.  I am so going to prove that dude wrong."  Not even someone who talked like that would make that endeavor.
  • Quotable: "I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. 'Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide...'"--Mitch Hedberg

December 13th, 2005

  • Global warming is like Anna Nicole Smith...shit, I don't even need to explain this one.
  • The human brain is a curious device.  Somewhere along the line, it figured that if a foreigner couldn’t understand you, speaking louder would solve the problem.
  • When you’re cramming for a test, the quality of your food takes low priority.  I still can’t ignore it, but I don’t have the time to give it full diligence.  One night, I found a palatable solution.  In a scene reminiscent of The End of Days, I took some turkey, yogurt, and egg whites, blended them, added some ice and Splenda, and concocted the turkey smoothie.  And it's allll mine.
  • Can we stop calling blacks “African Americans"?  Jesse Jackson campaigned for this usage—why?  Lincoln frees them from slavery, the black pride movement issues in a new age of equality, and blacks receive a fresh name that makes them sound like a newly discovered species.  It takes away the adjective they have used to describe themselves for centuries, most prominently in the mid-late 1900s, and replaces it with something more “appropriate” and "media-friendly."  It seems to imply that whites have always been Americans, but now blacks get to be as well—because there is now an “American” in their racial name.  Blacks in America have been, are, and always will be American.  You want to call them “African American”?  Then you had better call whites “European American.”  You should see me cheer when the news says “we are looking for a white/black man…”  Shit, I care that the guy just knocked off a jewelry store, but I’m ecstatic that I didn’t have to hear the word “African American” or “Caucasian.”
  • Quotable:

“Is there estrogen on this?”—Derrick from speech class, upon winning a lemon Luna “For Women” snack bar.

     

    December 12th, 2005

    • My family was poor growing up.  My mother used to look forward to Christmas because she figured sitting on Santa’s lap was a free therapy session.
    • I saw this one minivan commercial that really had potential.  It started playing “Stacy’s Mom” by Fountains of Wayne but then skipped the entire MILF section of the song.  Talk about incentive to buy a minivan.  Fuck the warranty, I’ll give you $80,000, my sister, and my right arm.
    • The cruelest irony in life is the death penalty.  A criminal is convicted for “eye for an eye” crime, and then the justice system does the same thing to him, but it’s OK when the justice system does it.  In 100 years, society will see our executions just as we view the past executions via the guillotine in France—absurd and primitive.
    • The places where I encounter most women are school, the gym, or at stores.  Approaching a girl at school is weak—it more or less admits you have no social life.  Approaching a girl at the gym is sleazy—it paints you as a meathead trying to wow a girl with your muscles, as if that ever worked.  At stores, it isn’t hopeless, but what a tangled web.  Women—humans, for that matter—are expected to be helpful, even extremely helpful, when performing their job.  Differentiating between when a woman is flirting and when a woman is simply doing her job is like differentiating between 1,000,000 pebbles in a jar and 1,000,001 pebbles in a jar.  In other words, good luck.  Get shot down, and you look like a putz, but don’t worry, she still needs to ring you up.  Awkward enough?  The best place to meet people is at parties.  If a girl is extremely helpful or readily engages you in conversation, she’s clearly doing so of her own free will, and that should indicate at least some attraction.
    • Quotable: A new state quarter for Iowa: "We are too a state!"

     

    December 11th, 2005

    • I’ve decided to start The “And,” “Of,” And “The” Association Of America.  Finally, “and,” “of” and “the” will be heard in an acronym.  Hail TAOATAOA!  Pronounced tao-uh-tao-uh, or touw-uh-touw-uh, depending on whether you already knew how to pronounce “tao.”
    • Carmex is great.  Shiny, waterproof, and slightly invisible.  Rock on.
    • “Muck Fizzou” shirts.  Real classy.
    • “College” shirts.  A clear demonstration that you are an original, very self-secure individual.
    • I have arrived at the conclusion that Blockbuster is obtuse in the most direct sense of the word.  It says to bring back a movie by the due date, but there’s no extra charge for keeping it 7 days and only a $1.59 charge for keeping it 30.  Wondering why the pre-2005 movie you want is NEVER there?  A guy rented it.  Did Blockbuster really need to do this?  Was Hollywood Video actually about to force a merger?  This is like ComEd offering a discount.
    • Quotables:

    “It’s been around as long as man.  Not as long as woman, but definitely as long as man.”

     

    December 10th, 2005

    • I’ve been a bell-ringer before for the Salvation Army, and I have yet to understand the meaning of the bell.  Standing outside in sub-freezing weather wearing a bright red apron is more than enough to attract attention.  Has anyone ever walked out a store and then heard the bell and been like, “Well holy shit, there’s a place to donate here, I’ll be darned.”  It is as if when I’m walking away, the bell is a lingering guilt trip saying “Cheap-ass…Ch-cheaap-a-ass.”  Here, take my blood-- that and my dignity are all I have left after tuition and bills.

    • The other problem with me and bell-ringers?  I go to the same store probably three times for every two-day period and, without fail, there is a different bellringer every time.  I try using different exits, maybe run into a forgiving familiar face but to no avail.  The change adds up.  In the end, I just drove to the Salvation Army HQ, wrote a check for $50, and gave them a picture to distribute to all bellringers.  The heading read "Unwanted."

    • I have a few pet peeves, as anyone who knows me well is aware.  I prefer “eccentric” to “disturbed.”  Near the top of the list, right next to people whistling and not covering their mouths is gum-popping:

    I must have a missed a revolution somewhere because I think bubble gum smacking is slowly emerging as the next Olympic sport.  There are so many moves, each with varying difficulty, that it must be.  There is the tongue twirl, where the individual wraps a thin band of chewed gum around the protruding tongue.  It’s a beginner’s move but one that all competitors must master.  Another low-difficulty move is the basic pop.  Now, this pop is judged on both diameter of bubble and decibel reading of the pop.  There have been cheaters in the past who used polymer-enhanced gum to prevent the bubble from popping.  They’re dead now.  A third move, considerably higher in difficulty, is the multiple firecracker pop.  The chewer pops several small air pockets in succession.  Points are awarded for decibel reading and number of pops.

     

    One final move I will detail is the face pop.  While some of you may intuitively expect this is where a large bubble pops and covers the majority of the face, it is in fact me popping someone in the face for distracting me while I’m trying to learn.  10 points for a bloody nose, 20 for a broken tooth, 30 for a broken jaw, and 50 for a concussion.  Not that I compete.

    • I can generally tell whether a girl and I will be compatible after one question: what type of music do you like?  If they say “oh, everything” or “I’ll listen to anything,” I turn on some Bjork really loud and say “I love this band.”  There is nothing original about liking every band.  It shows a lack of effort to communicate with me or be introspective with yourself.  Tolerating almost every band is another issue, but most people can tolerate most music and saying you are one of those people really doesn't add anything of substance.
    • The egotistic male and the prospective female:

          "Hey, are you single?"

          "No, I'm very involved."

          "Really, who with?"

          "Myself, we were married at birth."

     

    December 9th, 2005

    • Southwest Airlines saw the first person die because of its airline. One of its jets skidded off a runway at Midway Airport in Chicago, and the jet only stopped after crushing a car and killing its inhabitant. Southwest still plans to advertise as the only airline never to kill a passenger, but it has changed its marketing line to, “We have never lost a passenger, and we even defend you from pedestrians.” [OK, even I find that to be in bad taste]
    • Christmas is a well-proven means of weeding. You know how much people know and care about you by the gifts they give you. It is never about the price of the gift but rather the feeling with which a gift leaves you. If you rarely receive a gift that leaves you with a special feeling, then you are probably either a real ass or a very complex individual.
    • Kansas is so unhealthy that it won’t salt the roads for fear of a shortage.
    • At a library at KU, the elevator goes to two floors of the building: 2 and 3. The building itself decided to not have a 1st floor and not build the elevator shaft to the 6th. You just get the feeling a KU alum built that thing.
    • Speaking of elevators, I am totally pro-1940s elevators—you know, the ones that cut your fingers off if you try to slide in. You really have to want to get on one of those if you intend to get on it.
    • "You don't want to see me dance. It's like watching a baboon hump a tree."-Mike Cobb

    Pre-December 9th, 2005

    • Every time I send a letter, it's sent first-class and I don’t have to pay extra. Who else treats you like that?
    • A woman says 7,000 words per day, men only 5,000. When Jill gets home from work, she has 2,000 words left for Jack and Jack is spent. So, when a guy doesn't have much to say to a girl, it's not that he doesn't care, he's just out of words.
    • I’d like to send a message to Al Queda: We, in America, love our rappers. Losing such individuals would cause an emotional and economic breakdown in America. Or wait, is that Oprah?
    • Crayola recently had to cancel a crayon called “Indian Red” due to protests from those who cherish Indian (Native American) culture. Next on the list were black and white. However, white pronounced the box home and enslaved the black. And even today, black does everything while white barely breaks its tip.
    • People are poor, yet no one wants your two cents on shit. Personally, I give only one cent and save one cent for later. Everyone else spends their two cents early, I save one for hindsight and I’m always at least partially right.
    • I think handicapped people really take their privileges a little far. They get a 20-foot-wide parking space right next to the store, yet they still manage to occupy two parking spots and leave the ass hanging out into the thru lane.
    • I finally went back to the dentist after a 4-year hiatus. I thought about whitening my teeth but decided to tan instead. (Don't take that too seriously.)
    • D: Hey son, just about to have a drink, what's up?
      T: Just checking in. Don't you usually have a drink after talking to me?
      D: No, I have one before and after now.

    • I think people who attend church are just as likely to go to heaven as a suck-up is to get a job promotion or a mama's boy is to get the girl.  The rewards go to those who live right and act how they do because that’s who they are, not because they’re trying to bribe the object of their attainment with compliments, time, and even gifts.  When was the last time worshipping a boss or girl ever got someone anywhere?  Only on television. 

      In my mind, someone who lives a good life and doesn't attend church has a better chance of going to heaven than someone who lives an average life and goes to church regularly.  It can't hurt to do both, but I don't see the church-goers getting any brownie points.

    • I got tired of chasing my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and meet them there.--Mitch Hedberg quote

    Can I just randomly put "Copyright 2005" down here?  Or do I actually have to do paperwork because that would just be too much bloody effort.